No, some people know nothing about that disease. It's really sad. It
Is. Like my college roommate, Denise. Freshman year, I was like
I was like, "Denise, you should go get tested 'cause you're a huge
Whore." Um, you, you let your friends know, right? I mean, I
I thought the freshman fifteen was how many dudes you were s— never
Mind. Uh, but I should have known. Like, Denise, like, just all the
Signs were there that she was a slut. Like, she always wore two cups
And the day she moved in, she showed me. She was one of those girls
That could put her whole fist in her vagina. I was like, "Whoa! Let
Me hang up my posters first, please." Ha, ha. But I'm like, yeah
I'm like, "Denise, go get, go get tested. Um, you're gross." And she
Was like, "I don't need to get tested." And I was like, "You slept
With the sous chef at Denny's." Like, yeah, 'cause nobody even knows
What those guys do. Uh, bring your dirty vagina to the health center
And she actually said this. She was like, "I don't need to get
Tested. I don't even have any lesions." I was like, "You don't need
To look like the Ebola outbreak monkey or Tom Hanks in Philadelphia
Like, bring, bring it over there." So I, I wanted to talk about
Denise on my special I did for Comedy Central, but what happened was
They had this really white conservative lawyer call me, and he was
Like, "Is Denise real?" And I'm like, "Yeah, she's very real and
She's very slutty. Why? Do you want her number? This is inappropriate
." Um, I feel like, uh, and he was like, "You're gonna need to get her
To sign a release." So I go, "What would the release say?" He's like
"It'll say that she's a slut and that she can put her whole fist in
Her vagina." I'm like, "Okay, okay." Uh, so I had to literally call
Denise and be like, "Hey, girl. Um, what's up? Would you just sign
This document saying that you're a whore and you probably have AIDS?
" And she was like, "Done." Now, that is a friend, you guys. Look at
The person next to you. Would they do that for you? Would they do
That? Uh, I love the girls I grew up with. We're still really good
Friends. You know, there's always a girl in every group of friends
Who thinks that they're prettier than they are. You know, if you
Don't have that friend, you are that friend and... But for me
It's me in my group. Like, I grew up just thinking I was gorgeous
'Cause when I was a little kid, my mom made me believe that. She
Was just like, I was like six. She's like, "Look at you. You sparkle
" Really creepy, right? But you believe your parents. I was like, "
I fuckin' sparkle." I thought maybe I could fly. I didn't know
I was like, "Look what you've created, mother." But I'll never forget
The day I found out what was really up. The first day of middle
School that I looked like, kind of like a Cabbage Patch Kid in a
Fraggle. Um, fuck you. Oh, man. The first day of middle school
I walked in wearing my best fanny pack, you know, 'cause where else
You gonna keep your slap bracelets? And I just walked in like it
Was a runway. I was like, "You all get to meet me, kids." I was like
"Fat swan." I was like, "What?" I was like, "Form a line." But kids
Are so mean. They'll tell you, right? They were like, "Uh, bitch
You're gross." I was like, "Oh, really? Then why do I have these
Curly bangs?" It's like, "Why don't you say that to my Mr
Mistoffelees sweatshirt?" What? Cats. Oh, God. I never
Got attention from guys, ever. But, you know, then the
Old story. I finally got the braces off of my legs and
Business picked up. Um, but it's like, I don't know
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