My favorite dessert is cake. Cake's a true symbol of gluttony though
If you eat a whole pizza people are like "Wow, you were hungry," but
If you eat a whole cake people are like "You got a problem. Addicted
To cake." It's not like drinking. You never hear someone brag "Yeah
Last night I had four pieces of cake." "Why are you telling us?" "
Just wanted you to know I partied." "Why don't you get away from me?"
'Cause everyone knows cake's bad for us. Sometimes you try and
Disguise the fact we're eating cake. "It's breakfast, I can't have
Cake. I'll have a muffin!" You know the difference between a cake and
A muffin? Nothing. A muffin is a bald cupcake. And we know it. Have
You seen the mini muffins? How much denial are we in when we're
Eating mini muffins? "Oh, I'm just gonna have like one or twelve. So
Small they don't really count. They're like muffin vitamins. When I
Eat 'em I feel like an astronaut. That's why I have 'em for breakfast
." Can't have cake for breakfast. Unless it's a pancake. How'd that
Slide through? "Young man, you're not having cake for breakfast
You're having fried cake with syrup for breakfast. Load up on that
And try not to nap." Pancakes. Pancakes definitely make you lower
Your expectations. You're like "Well, looks like I'm not showering
Today. I'll be digesting those carb cakes for hours. Bad idea." "
This guy talks a lot about cake." Cake's a powerful food. Cake can
Actually bring people together. "It's Bill's birthday." "Yeah, I hate
That guy." "There's cake in the conference room." "Well, I should
Say hello. See how he's doing." I mean, admit it, when you hear the
Song "Happy Birthday" all you're thinking is "Hey, I'm getting some
Free cake." During the song you're just wondering what kind it is
"Hope it's chocolate for me." We're all bashful though when we're
Offered a piece, aren't we? We're always like "Well, I guess I'll
Try it. What's this called, cake? Yeah, I've never had cake before
" "Gah!" "If he does another cake joke I'm gonna kill him." Okay
Let's talk about something besides cake. Pie. That's like liquid
Cake, isn't it? Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake
It's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the
Kitchen. "Go check on grandma." Pie can't compete, you know? Never
Hear about a hot chick jumping out of a pie. It's too messy. "I'm
Here!" "Go take a shower." Cake. So many types of cake too. There's
Rum cake, which makes sense, you know, 'cause we've all been eating
Cake and thought "You know what this needs? Booze. Shot of liquor
I don't have time to eat and drink. I only got two hands, buddy, and
One of 'em's holding a cigarette. Meet me halfway, will ya?"
There's funnel cake, which is essentially a giant french fry
Covered in sugar. They're serving that at the IHOP now. That's a
Weird name for that place, I've never left there feeling like
Hopping. Should be called I Barely Move. I Need a Wheelchair. "
Hey buddy, I like the IHOP. If you don't like it you don't have to
Go there." I think the most disappointing cake has to be fruitcake
You'd think that would be better. Doesn't add up. Fruit, good
Cake, great. Fruitcake, nasty crap. Have you tried fruitcake?
I don't even think that's fruit in there. You're like "What is that
A skittle? What is this, a treasure map?" What is the recipe of
Fruitcake, anything but fruit? It's like the baker was just clearing
Off the counter, "Put all this crap in there. Nobody eats this stuff
They just mail it to relatives." Big holiday tradition, fruitcake
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