The first inkling I had of this
Was when I, um, I heard Ben Carson speak for the first time
When you're listening to someone and as you listen to them
You begin to think "did I take a drug?"
Something's wrong
But I believe we have something to learn from Ben Carson
Especially those of you who work in an office
There's probably a douchebag you're working with
Your boss is no doubt a prick
And you wanna say something to them
All you have to do, in order to get across what it is you want to say
Is to speak as Ben Carson does
And by this, I mean you speak as softly
As you possibly can
And yet
Still be heard
So that the person listening to you
must use an inordinate amount of energy
Just to hear the words coming out of your mouth
And as you do that, speak as slowly
As you possibly can as if each
And every word was being formed in your brain for the very
First time
And be sure that your eyes are two-thirds closed
So that you resemble a lizard sunning itself
On the rock
And if you do that you can say any bat-shit thing you want to anyone
As Ben Carson did when he said
"It's amateurs who built the Ark,
but it was professionals who built the Titanic"
He said that, in front of a lot of people
And no one came up to him and said
"Ben, you'll have to come with us now"
Another thing you must do, is as you're speaking
Be sure that your hands are moving in a way
That has nothing to do with what you're saying at all
Not a God damn thing
Be sure that they're moving in a way like
"This is a nice way to do it"
Because the person listening to you, won't hear what you're saying
Because they'll be thinking "Wow, what a great aquarium"
And when you want to make your final point
Do as Ben does
And as he did, when he - be sure that your hands move opposite
To the meaning of the words, such as
"We must raise the middle class, but lowering their taxes"
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