A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef
My girlfriend works at Hooters in the kitchen
You know Benihana? They twist their knives
And throw them up in the fucking cups and shit
Get Benihana to go, it's totally pointless
You go pick it up, did the dude do all that shit?
Are you sure?
'Cause if he didn't, I don't want it
I got a drive-thru restaurant by my house
They say, "We'll get your fast food drive-thru
Food to you in 30 seconds or less"
That's too fucking fast, man
I didn't think they could top it
But you know what they did?
'Cause the last time I was there
I saw a dude who looked like me eating what I was gonna order
Like, you motherfucker
We ordered a lot of chicken fingers, man
It was about ten chicken hands, if you
I want a chicken thumb!
They must be accumulating
No one ever orders them
I love carrot juice, but you know
I went to this one store and I said, "You got any carrot juice?"
He goes, "You mean orange?"
I said, "No, carrot"
He goes, "No, well, carrots don't have juice"
And he threw me a carrot, he goes, "Twist it"
Fuck, he's right
What's that orange shit I've been enjoying?
One time I was supposed to be on David Letterman
It was the same night that Madonna was on
And Madonna went long, so I got bumped
But I got to eat cantaloupe backstage, so it was still cool
It was already cut up into bite-sized pieces
I got paid 900 dollars to eat cantaloupe, that's fucking unprecedented
I rubbed that shit in my dad's face
I said, "You've never been paid that much to eat cantaloupe
You always had to do it for free"
Comments (0)