One time a guy handed me a picture of himself and
Said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger
" Every picture is of you when you were younger
"Here's a picture of me when I'm older." You son of a bitch. How'd
You pull that off? Let me see that camera. What's it look like?
I live in New York City. I got a roommate to save money
But I fucked up cause I'm 31. I'm too old for a roommate
I fucked up severely. I signed a year lease, too
I really fucked up. It's like I wrote a joke that
Didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year
My roommate said, "I need to shave and use the shower
Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some
Weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on
The planet shaving. So I say, "I'm gonna go shave, too."
Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. Very dangerous
To wave to someone you don't know because what if
They don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky
"Look what I got motherfucker. This thing
Is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up."
My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it
But she does live in a trailer. She got halfway
She's an actress, she just never called to the set
At a traffic light, green means go and yellow means yield. But on a
Banana, it's just the opposite. Green means hold on. Yellow means go
Ahead. And red means, "Where the fuck did you get that banana at?"
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