One more of my Whole Foods friends tells me
That I have to have a home birth
I am going to punch all the soy on the planet
I am so thick of these, man, hey dude
Listen, Patton, I know that you're probably
Going to go to a hospital, but
You've got to think it through, man
You've got to do it at home, naturally
That's the only way, that's the way
The pioneers and the settlers did it, man
That's how you should do it
Yeah, the pioneers and the settlers
That's what I'm going to emulate
You know what the pioneer women
Having their babies out in a little cabin that
They built out of bison poop and then whatever
Wood was left over from when the stagecoach went in the gully
You know what they were dreaming about
When they were having their babies out there? Hospitals!
They dreamed about hospitals! Weird
Fantastical future buildings full of clean
White sheets and doctors with needles
Full of magic liquid that made the pain not happen ever
Home birth, Jesus God in Heaven
And by the way, having a home birth is bullshit
It's not the way the settlers did it because the settlers
They didn't have a clock radio next to the bed
They didn't have a flat screen TV on the wall
You're going to have a home birth
You should go all the way
Build a little hut in the backyard
Take a little birthing trench
Have the baby during a hailstorm
And hey, when it's all done, a wolverine can
Sneak in and steal the afterbirth
And then, by the way, if you're gonna do a home birth
Make sure to have like nine kids because five of them
Are going to die from the rickets
Just like the pioneer kids
Two of them are going to get stolen by the Apaches, oh no!
Opal's learning tomahawk throwing skills
She's going to kill me when she passes the test of the laughing fire
I'm fucked, yeah, that's life on the prairie
Last night I saw a jackrabbit with a woman's face
I want the most modern birth they can possibly give me
I want them to use experimental shit at the hospital
That they're not even sure of
Like, well, we've got, we can put the baby in an incubator
We've also got this cold laser bath we can put it in
It'll burn the goo off, but it hasn't been totally tested yet
I'll be like, "Incubator? What am I, Amish? Put her in the cold laser bath
What are you, nuts? Paying good money here"
We have a robot arm that can reach in and take the baby out
But one out of a hundred times it goes into these weird
Murder spasms, and it'll skin the baby and make an iPad case out of it
Like, well, I don't know, one out of a hundred?
Let's roll those dice
That sounds pretty good
That doesn't sound bad
Oh, I made a cheese grater out of the rib cage, look at that
Yeah, boo robot I just made up
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