Now I gotta get in shape
I gotta do something
Gotta be a dad now
I'm a walking terrible example
That's all I am
She'll have no incentive to do anything
She sees my fat ass
Who you got on TV?
Who gives a shit?
I either have to, like this year
I have to commit to losing weight or I have to
Become fascinated with what's happening to me
Like Jeff Goldblum in the Fly and like start
Keeping a journal every morning
Wow, I grew sub-tits last night
That's new
Note to self, send picture of sub-tits
And ass belly to Discover Magazine
Especially now, I'm on the borderland of
B-word fat, which is that's the kind of
Fat where people can tell that you're
Fat if they just hear you talking
They don't need to see you
And if you say words that start with B
You just give it away
Or you can be on the phone going
I bought a bracelet
I bought it at Bailey Blankston Theater
I bought it for Belinda's birthday
It's a beautiful bobble and I bought it
This is what I'd like you to do
I'd like you to scoop the insides
Out of a sourdough bread loaf, fill it with
Buttered noodles and crumble hard pretzels onto the top
I'm going to take it into the bathroom
But no matter what you hear, do not open the door
I got dizzy doing that
I just got fucking dizzy saying a long sentence
That's how out of shape I am
Wow, Patton looks really red
He said a long sentence
I told him not to
I don't want to drop dead when my daughter is six
Because I stapled three pieces
Of paper together
You should have just gone with two, dad
I didn't need that chart
I would have just
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