I don't hate working out either
I like to exer-, I just don't wan-, I just don't wanna work out in public
I don't want people to see me working out, because me on a treadmill
I look like an anthropomorphic pot of noodles that
Has escaped from a 1920s cartoon
I'm just thumpin' along, "Ah! Friendship"
So, I have a treadmill in my house
But the problem is, my treadmill is within sight
Of all of the other shit that I do
That involves me sitting down and not moving
Which I'd rather be doing
So basically, every day
My treadmill auditions for my attention, that's what it does
And it's the worst, it has no confidence, it's like
"Hey, Patton, it's your treadmill
Um, I just figured you could just kinda hop on here, and
Do the 45 minutes of cardio for 12 minutes
Well, your leg's really gonna hurt, you're-
It's gonna be a lot of work for no reward, but it's-, that's what
That's what weight loss is all about, it's just
Incremental two to three pounds a year, that's what-
Nothing tastes bet-better than being thin, so hop on up here, and-"
It's like I have attention, okay, I'll let you know, thank you
Then the next auditioner is the internet
And scotch, and pretzels, and they're like
"You can eat us and jerk off to him," like, wow!
You're hired, oh my God! That's amazing, that's amazing!
Through the door, it's like a young Brando, whoo!
So confident
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