To open the show, I always like to do one thing that is impossible
So right now I'm going to suck this piano into my lungs. There! Okay
Let's get started, um... We're having some fun though, aren't we
Kids? How many people are here tonight? Raise 'em up everybody. Good
Okay, this is it. Still four dollars? To get in? Four dollars? Ha ha
Ha... That's not bad though, you know, four dollars in today's world
With inflation and all that, it's like nothing. It's like, "Gee
I got four dollars, I think I'll throw it out in the street." "Oh
I can come in here for four dollars? Okay." "What happens?" See, this
Is not Las Vegas, you know? This is-- In Las Vegas, it's fifteen
Dollars to get in. You know, it's worth it, 'cause there's, you know
There's a million people on stage and everything's moving real fast
And you can't understand a word they say but it doesn't matter and
You just sit there, you go, "Wow, look at the tits! I'll bet there's
. Fifty-seven tits up there." But this is four dollars, you know
It's like, "Ooh, rambling... Rent a car, yeah." And the opening act
In Vegas is always like a pop singer, you know? And they bring him
Out, and he's really good, but he-- he moves so fast, he's got to
'Cause he's got like fifteen minutes, he's gotta get it all in
They introduce him, you know, "Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and
Gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, it's a pleasure to introduce Mister
Johnny Dukes, let's bring him out!" "Hey! Thank you for having me
It's great to be here! How many people did I just say? Okay
Beautiful. Hey, my name's Johnny Dukes, I'm from Illinois, Wisconsin
Hey, thank you for coming-- I'd like to introduce the band, Biff
Tom, Jack, We got nothing to hypnotize you. Okay, thank you. It's
Great to be in Las Vegas, I'd like to do a couple of gambling jokes
For you. Hey, Because I gotta be me, I gotta be me, . Okay, it's a-
- Sammy Davis Jr., personal friend of mine. Okay, Now I'd like to do
A little dancing for you, here we go! It's impossible to put a
Cadillac in your nose, it's just impossible! Okay, couple of gambling
Jokes for you! Okay, the hills were live with the sound of money!
Thank you. Do I look alright? He bounced around like that. But anyway
, As I was saying, we're uh... we're basically into the intellectual
Scene up here, and that's why we're not into that kind of
Entertaining, huh? Hey, um... And it is an intellectual town
I enjoy coming here, like, for example, see, things are always
Happening to me up here that are just so above everything else
Like before the show, I was standing backstage and a couple came
Back and they asked me if I was bi. And, well, I studied a little
Spanish in high school, but uh... not enough to really be bi
You know, but I didn't wanna look stupid so I said, "Yeah, I'm bi
" And uh, they said, "Well, we would like you to come over after
The show 'cause we got some, uh, S&M people coming over," and I
Said, "Hey, great, Spaniards and Mexicans." Ah... So it'll be
Interesting to go there after the show, speak a little Spanish, and
Have the intellectual thing. You know, this is what I'm into, so...
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