Good evening
Please welcome from Boston
(Yeah)
Thanks
When I was a little kid I wished the
First words I ever said was the words "quote"
So right before I died I could say "unquote"
Lots of my friends have babies
But I don't have any babies
But I have lots of friends
Babies don't have any friends
They all have those baby monitors so
They can hear the baby from the other room
Which I consider a form of wiretapping
Somedays gonna be a really smart baby
That makes a fake recording of some fake baby noises
Gonna crawl out the window and go to Italy
I need one of those baby monitors
From subconscious to my consciousness
So I can know out what the hell I'm really thinkin' about
Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with
Just to screw with my subconscious
It's a good thing a lot of people speak foreign languages
Otherwise those people would have no one to talk to
When I was in first grade
The teachers told us that the president was married to the First Lady
And all I could think of was "wow,
I wonder if she ever saw any dinosaurs"
She told us about Michelangelo and the Sistine Chapel
And that night I went home I was laying at the top of my bunk bed
And I'm looking at the ceiling and thinking "why not?"
My brother's pushing the bead around - "give me more aqua"
I did Jesus and Santa Claus on a see-saw
I had Jesus on the low end, even though he weighted less
Cause he's Jesus
Jesus pissed off a lot of people you know
"Would you stop turning the water
Into wine, I'm trying to take a shower"
What did Jesus ever do for Santa Claus on his birthday?
Don't think about it, it doesn't mean anything
You know the New Testament is pretty old
I think they should em the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament
You know when you look at a star it may not even be there anymore
Cause it takes so long for the light to get from there to here
It may be gone, it just looks like it's still there
That's how I see my old girlfriends
Imagine if lightbulbs work like that
"I thought I told you shut that light off"
"I did, it should be out by Friday"
The universe is expanding, that should help ease the traffic
Imagine Pulitzer Prizefighting
See two writers beating the shit out of each other
Imagine how weird phones would look
If your mouth was nowhere near your ears
Imagine OshKosh straight jackets for little insane children
Don't stay away from Jimmy
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